Hidden

It was a difficult class for me. For the e been past year I feel like I have been hiding in an invisible shell. A nonexistant shell. It's not easy for me to explain or show my weight loss. I am embarrassed when I look at those pictures. While I was larger I never saw my self as big, but now that I see the difference...it really bothers me. So much so that I have grown paranoid over the slightest fluctuation in my weight. True, it takes time psychologically to recover from the trauma of weight loss, and for those who don't understand, yes it is a trauma. My best friend Scott is a psychologist and even he says that he wishes he could really help me move past this, but because he has never been there, he is afraid to enter that world. He is right, all it would cause is chaos. People who have not been overweight, trying to lose weight, or the like, would not understand, and no amount of comparisons will suffice. It really hurt my feelings when the question, and it was innocent by all means, "why cant you just get over it". If I knew the answer to that, don't you think I would? I would love nothing more than to just 'get over it', but it does not work like that unfortunatley.

Understanding is key. I was never asked out in highschool. Friends were not really friends. I was only cool when they needed something. I was not athletic. I had a doctor's note for why I could not run the track. I overate strictly for the sake of eating. I had no real friends to get me out of the house so I sat on my computer all day or watched tv.

I chose to lose the weight because I wanted a life change. I wanted to have a relationship with someone. I wanted to be liked and asked to hang out. I wanted to me stared at not because I was overweight and made fun of, but because I was attractive and people wanted me. Whether that is for the wrong reason, who can say, but I wanted to experience something I never had before. Everyone wants to feel wanted.

When I wrote the blog for the last assignment I ended up getting slightly upset. I drove to school that morning and happened to hear the GOO GOO dolls playing on the radio and it emotionally overtook me. It spoke of exactly how I felt before I lost the weight. I called my boyfriend and told him I missed him. Even though we were not together until after the weight loss, he is my biggest supporter. I think it helps that he used to be a little piggy too and lost a lot of weight. The week before all this I had been depressed because I was fixing to start my cycle and was on it at some point and I gained 7 pounds. It happens every month, but it still effects me greatly. I have to have support, and I can say now that I do.

I hope I one day get over it and don't feel like the real me is still hidden. I hope one day I can stop stressing over the possibilities of gaining the weight back. I wanted to have a family and I dont want to be emotionally depressed because of pregnancy weight. Oh god the drama that will ensue. I am happy, really, I just have my moments.